Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


The Royal Flush

I found it—the thing which magically turns ordinary run-of-the-mill plumbers, builders, ranchers, lawyers, teachers, electricians, realtors, bankers, veterinarians, laborers, insurance agents, and stock brokers into bottom-feeding, scum sucking, career politicians. Sunday evening, I had finished reading the day’s news and was digging through the week’s mail, when it all came together like flipping the final card of a royal flush in a game of five-card stud. Let me explain.

Our founders could have mimicked previous civilizations and established an aristocracy where governmental power descended from an American King. They did not. Instead, our unique republic rests on the principle of self-rule, necessitating these united and sovereign states be served through a citizen legislature. This puts ordinary people in positions of authority where upon returning to civilian life, they will share both the benefits and failures of every decision they make…or they are supposed to. After 235 years, government has become disconnected from the citizenry and the reason prompting my epiphany was boldly printed on the envelopes I held in my hand.

Like clockwork, once you are elected into public office, two things happen: First, if you are a Christian, conservative like me, you begin receiving hate mail from people demanding you substitute Marxist principles of wealth redistribution for your constitutional oath of office. They are not particular about where, advocates for the downtrodden just want you spending money…lots of money. Your mail box fills with funding demands for poor children, starving wolves, diseased bison, a carbon-free world, and transgender electricians. You either hold steadfast to your oath of office by saying “no”, or your spine melts and you collapse into a worthless heap of moderation in the middle of the political road.

Second, when you take your oath you are granted the title “Honorable” so-and-so. This practice originated in the 12th century and is meant to be a simple label of respect. The first letter you receive addressed as such will humbly rock you back on your heels, or it should. Over time the salutation becomes something you barely notice; this is okay too. The real danger occurs after a few decades if you actually start to believe the title and think “Honorable” is a designation of royalty. This is why many career politicians imagine their status is above the level of logic and law—the decrees they hand down are only for the little people. If you think such arrogance does not happen, reach over and click your light switch.

If your light slowly warmed to life like an arthritic Blue Heeler crawling from under the porch on a cold winter morning, you can thank the “honorable” politicians who proclaimed Americans can only purchase Compact Fluorescent Lights (CFLs). This law was the final sting in the climate-change con perpetuated by Chinese companies who manufacture CFLs. In the decades to come, Americans will waste millions of dollars replacing cheap incandescent light bulbs with expensive CFLs while the Chinese and “honorable” career politicians who took advantage of insider trading, laugh all the way to the bank. On the bright side (if you can use bright and CFLs in the same sentence), if career politicians complete the global warming con and all American electricity comes from green wind, chances are good the lights won’t turn on anyway and your old incandescent bulbs could last for decades. Bless their little hearts. Now to the news story of the second con which sparked my rambling thoughts to write this column.

Three Florida residents bilked West Palm Beach citizens out of millions of dollars by convincing them the EPA had recently changed regulations and were now requiring citizens to purchase new earth-friendlier toilet paper. One elderly, but very optimistic customer purchased a 70 year supply. The three toilet paper offenders were charged, pled guilty and are facing a 20 year prison sentence. Do you see the difference between perpetrators scamming people to buy useless toilet paper and those forcing Americans to purchase equally useless CFL light bulbs? The CFL con artists were bequeathed the title “honorable” so they are above the law and can force their will on their subjects down the barrel of a gun. They could have just as easily legislated Americans purchase earth-friendly toilet paper and the state run media would have championed them as heroes of the environment…and that is a royal flush.

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