Three terms in the Montana legislature listening to politicians seduce voters through a microphone has honed my ability to interpret what they mean mostly by ignoring what they say. It’s a gift. Unfortunately, this skill wasn’t fully developed in my second legislative session when I listened to two separate groups of dairy farmers call each other dirty, rotten, bottom feeding, scum suckers needing state regulation. I had always held dairy farmers in high esteem and I knew one group had to be lying, but I couldn’t figure out which one was. (Public hearings bring out the best in people.) Here is how I apply this talent today.

Thursday evening, the trophy wife and I were motoring to Utah for Saturday’s challenging Mid-Mountain Marathon over three ski areas in Park City. Thursday was also President Obama’s big “American Job’s Act” presentation before a joint session of Congress, so rather than television we tuned in his riveting address on National Public Radio (NPR). (I hate listening to NPR because their announcers whisper in soft snuggly voices so as to give the impression they are of elite blue blood ancestry.)

Using my aforementioned interpretive skill of decoding political speech, I will translate and condense the “American Jobs Act” into my more understandable “Ralph Act.” For the sake of brevity I will ignore the ludicrous portions of the jobs act such as creating jobs by paying people not to work (extending unemployment benefits). If the president believes this will stimulate even one job, he is skipping across the threshold into the political fantasyland with Jimmy Carter.

In one sentence, the “American Jobs Act” is a shrunken version of Stimulus One and 447 billion dollars will be given to the president’s most loyal followers with the debt dumped on our grandchildren. Forget the claim this wealth redistribution program will be “paid for with budget cuts” as there are no cuts, but only possible reductions in future increased federal spending. Our national debt will grow regardless. Stimulus One was a dismal failure, so the president and the state run media hope they can convince the voters doing less of it as Stimulus Two, will magically be a huge success. Don’t be fooled. President Obama is a devout follower of Keynesian economics. It isn’t coincidence the recipients of Stimulus Two dollars are loyal contributors to the president’s political party. Ten cents of every stimulus dollar generously donated by your grandchildren will end up in President Obama’s personal campaign war chest or that of his party.

To prove my point, I will use Keynesian logic to create my jobs plan called the “Ralph Act”. Rather than a joint session of Congress, here is how I would explain my solution before a joint session of Laurel’s Fat Jack’s Tap Room. (Other than lacking the reciprocal receipt of campaign contributions, the “Ralph Act” works the same as the “American Jobs Act”). Here we go.

“My fellow Americans, according to census data there are 440,049 Americans named Ralph. I do hereby propose we take the 447 billion dollars of the ‘American Jobs Act’ and divide it equally between the Ralphs. It then becomes the patriotic duty of each Ralph to spend every penny of their personal $1,015,795.97 windfall. Ralph’s appetite for jet skis, snow mobiles, sports cars, storage sheds and cosmetic surgery will thus stimulate the economy and create jobs. (It won’t be until Ralph’s last will and testament is read that his grandchildren will discover that in addition to a storage shed full of Grandpa Ralph’s junk he called ‘infrastructure’, they also inherited a $1,015,795.97 debt.) Pass it now! Thanks for listening and may God bless America.”

The bottom line is the government cannot create jobs in the private sector, yet they have unlimited capabilities to destroy them. For example, President Obama’s May 6, 2010 off-shore drilling moratorium has eliminated hundreds of thousands of jobs all while spiking the price of fuel. Just like expanding government, more Keynesian economic stimulus is not the solution, it is the problem. Washington needs to get out of the gate and let people who understand free market capitalism rebuild the economy of our powerful American republic.