Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


    Stupid is as Stupid Does

Nine years ago, the trophy wife and I surfed the internet and bought a used BMW.  It was located in Texas, so we had it shipped to my veterinary clinic here in Montana.  Once in our garage, we carefully inspected our sight-unseen purchase, but unlike ordering a hot Russian bride off the internet, everything appeared to be exactly as represented on e-bay.  That wasn’t the stupid part. 

Over the next nine years, the car proved to be thrifty and reliable if you didn’t count the cost of breakdowns, nor the times we were left stranded.  It is a zippy little car having awarded us three speeding tickets; two for me and one for the trophy wife.  My first was on the interstate outside of Hardin, Montana, with my second on Main Street in Jackpot, Nevada.  Druann’s infraction occurred in Yellowstone National Park where I tried to talk our way out of the ticket by telling the officer, “Thanks for pulling us over.  I’ve been telling her to slow down for the last two hours, but she wouldn’t listen to me.”  This did not appear to help either our citation problem or strengthen our marital relationship, so we don’t talk about it anymore.  Forget I mentioned it, but that wasn’t the stupid part. 

Last week the starter failed on the old BMW.  It has 208,000 miles and on the bright side, the starter died in our garage giving the false impression we would at least save the cost of a tow truck for this repair.  Such was not the case.  BMWs are designed by sadistic, trust-funder engineers who don’t even own a crescent wrench.  Fixing anything requires a shop full of specialty tools plus a mechanic with more free time on his hands than a food-stamper during the Obama years.  After a long internet search, I found where engineers actually hid the dang starter, plus a pictorial on how to fix it yourself in seven easy hours.  Because it would take three hours load the car on my flatbed and haul it to Billings, I decided to replace the starter myself.  Even that wasn’t the stupid part.

 After four hours, I finally had my dead starter in my mangled hands having knocked the hide off most my knuckles struggling with odd shaped bolts hidden in the darkest holes of my car.  I considered soliciting the aid of the trophy wife with her smaller hands before deciding BMW is the acronym for Bavarian Midget Werks; a company where twisted engineers design cars to be built by miniature mechanics.  Four hours and two units of blood later the new starter was in, so I hopped in the driver’s seat, hit the ignition and heard “click, click, click!” Exasperated, I called Jerry at the Metric Wrench in Billings and explained my problem.  “Did you test the new starter before you installed it?” He asked.  “We always ground test these starters which are a bugger to get to.”  I slowly banged my head on the table realizing I might have just installed a defective new starter thereby sentencing myself to another eight hours in BMW hell.  I called for a tow truck, pushed the car out of my garage and sent her to Jerry, but even this is not the stupid part. 

I am spoke at the Independent Beef Association of North Dakota / US Cattlemen’s Association annual meeting in Bismarck last Saturday, so being BMW-less, I rented a car from Enterprise.  While booking the car online, I learned customers fully indoctrinated into feeling guilty about being human can pay an additional $2.50 for Carbon Credits, thus rendering their car rental carbon neutral.  In spite of recent published data proving man-made climate change is clearly a man-made hoax, there are still leftists who buy the credits to bolster their self-esteem.  This is the stupid part and even worse, those people vote.    

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