Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


Stuck in the Past

I was a ski bum in high school and when I wasn’t playing basketball, I was on the slopes of Antelope Butte. College changed that. I did purchase a season pass my freshman year at the University of Wyoming, but only made three trips to the ski hill all year. Reality is harsh and as my responsibilities grew, my passion for the sport moved to the back burner. Over the next four decades, I skied less than a half-dozen times, but on New Year’s Day I skied with 5 of my grandchildren. It was a blast and I plan to gather all 14 of them for a weekend of skiing someday, but I must hone my skills rusted by years of non-use. Step one in re-establishing my proficiency is to upgrade my equipment.

Zipping downhill with boards strapped to your feet has changed dramatically since 1975 and I surfed the internet studying ski technology. At my clinic, I sought the counsel of Dr. Mark Broyles, a skiing enthusiast familiar with the latest developments. I followed Mark’s advice with everything except the length of the ski. In my day, I skied 185s, plus had a pair of 225s for high speed cruising runs; in 1975, to ski anything shorter simply pegged the pansy meter. Dr. Broyles said I would enjoy a shorter, fatter, shaped ski and he steered me towards lengths in the high 170s. I was pondering this ski length conflict while out for a morning run when the truth smacked me right between the eyes. Once back at the clinic, I explained my epiphany to Mark.

I played high school basketball in the 1970s, while Dr. Broyles played in the 1990s. When I was a senior, basketball trunks were snug, hemmed about mid-thigh and fortunately, no pictures exist of me on the court back then. When Mark played, athletic shorts were knee length and baggy. Therefore, when you compare the two eras, in the 70s we had short shorts and long skis, while in the 90’s they had long shorts and short skis. I am just as uncomfortable skiing on 170s as Mark would be breaking the huddle in a city league basketball game wearing a speedo. Proving my openness, I have adapted to modern times and now wear baggy athletic trunks hanging to my knees plus I purchased skis measuring 184 centimeters—a full one centimeter shorter than in 1975. Obviously, I am willing to change, but there are politicians who are perpetually stuck in the 1970s; a predicament which would be laughable were it not so serious.

The United States recently secured the number one slot in the race to be the most inconsequential world power. After snubbing the free-world by failing to appear at the march against terrorism in Paris, the Obama administration metaphorically shot themselves in the foot before falling face down in the manure. In case you missed it, last week Secretary John Kerry visited French President Hollande to awkwardly and symbolically “share a hug” with our allies who recently suffered a terrorist attack. As if the scene wasn’t cartoonish enough, Secretary Kerry then introduced American folk singer James Taylor so he could serenade the French with his 1971 hit song, “You’ve Got a Friend.” These buffoons were serious. If Secretary Kerry had been sporting a leisure suit and had James Taylor borne a full head of long hair, the only thing missing from the scene would have been the aroma of burning incense and psychedelic posters complete with peace signs. Could our parents have been right and all those drugs my generation consumed in the 60s and 70s were actually bad for us? Not only is it time for an adult in the White House, it is time for a patriotic American who truly loves old glory and the freedom for which she stands.

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