Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


Say What?

“Hmmm, llamas with swollen lips; I bet these are snake bites.” I thought to myself as I pulled across the bridge. Rodd, the owner, met me in the driveway and led me through the ankle deep llama wool and hay scattered across the barn floor. Near the door and without warning, Rodd launched into a one-legged snake dance, jerked the door open and crashed out into the sunlight.

“Did you hear it?” Rodd asked.

“Hear what?” I said.

“The rattlesnake,” Rodd fired back.

“No,” I mumbled as I stepped through the door and examined the first llama. Sure enough, it had the telltale fang marks, and swollen face. “The snake is probably by the haystack in the barn, so if you still hear it buzzing, let’s go medicate it first.” I opened the barn door and stepped inside. Sure enough, just inside I spotted a coiled and buzzing rattler, but I still could not hear him. “Rodd, do you have a shovel?”

Rodd did his one-legged snake dance past the haystack, tossed me an aluminum scoop shovel and hollered, “It’s not a very good shovel.”

I had no idea what the condition of the shovel had to do with treating the snake, so I began whacking the rattler. He was a tougher opponent than I anticipated and he struck the shovel blade every time I clobbered him. “The llama wool and hay on the floor must be cushioning him,” I thought as I wailed away. It was viper versus veterinarian and he was matching me blow for blow. After a couple seconds, Rodd appeared and started chopping with a square-nosed shovel and our combined firepower made us victorious.

The battle taught me two things: One, my hearing has faded. I have been irrigating all summer and surprisingly haven’t seen a single rattlesnake. Now I know, they might have been buzzing all around me and I could not hear them. Perhaps I should hire an eight-year-old boy to follow me around and tell me when to jump and where to whack. Two, Rodd telling me “it’s not a very good shovel,” turned out to be valuable information, which was meaningless until I examined the blade. Years of use had worn a one inch gap across the center of the shovel, so essentially I was stabbing at the snake with a two pronged fork separated by a space of 18 inches. Rodd was right, for killing snakes it was not a very good shovel. Sometimes people say things, but their true meaning is confusing, sometimes purposely, and this brings me to my point.

Montana’s Governor Schweitzer has launched his “I-told-you-so” tour reprimanding 2011 Republican legislators for not spending every last penny of excess tax revenues. His words reveal the fundamental difference between progressive and conservative philosophy.

Progressives wholly accept Marx teaching’s the purpose of government is to redistribute wealth from each according to his deeds, to each according to his needs. They believe every taxpayer dime not spent is a dime wasted. For example, during the budget debate in the Montana Senate, progressives offered $360 million in amendments for new spending, but because they were the minority party, their wishes were defeated.

Conservatives, such as yours truly, recognizes our republic thrives when government is small and functions only as a framework for a free market economy. It is the marketplace which determines the winners and losers. Progressivism, liberalism and Marxism are synonymous and are polar opposites from American capitalism. I may be deaf to a rattlesnake coiled at my ankles, but I can hear and see the difference in these ideologies. Can you?

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