Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


Point of No Return

It is open burning season in Yellowstone County. A decade back, I dug a small pond to run my lawn and garden sprinklers, but he north half of the pond is so shallow it mostly raises cattails. The grandkids love kayaking around the pond, but because the weeds are a real fun killer, Sunday I decided to burn it all down. First, I fired up my lap-top and secured the government approved $8 permit, if for no other reason than it reminds me why I voted for smaller government at every opportunity during my tenure in Montana’s House. Someday, personal responsibility and self-reliance will replace regulation and entitlement, but not today.

It was 11 o’clock in the morning, 50 degrees with light winds from the southwest; perfect burning conditions. To prepare for the worst, I strapped the weed-sprayer to my four-wheeler, and stretched out a couple garden hoses. Before firing up my weed burner, I stuck my head in the house to notify the trophy wife she might want to trade her flip-flops for footwear more appropriate to fighting wildfire. I am an incredibly thoughtful husband. She moaned, rolled her eyes and changed wardrobes. She may not know it, and may even deny it, but she is living the dream.

I spent nearly an hour burning a buffer zone on the downwind side before moving upwind where I discovered my irrigating boots were too short to let me wade through the muck to ignite my island of cattails. Taking a calculated risk, I dragged the grandkid’s kayak from behind the tack shed, tossed in the propane tank and burner, and hopped in before shoving off into open waters. Rather than paddle, I spent most my time chopping clumsily through the weeds nearly flipping my watercraft several times. Desiring to cut my losses in case I did go for a swim, I tossed both my cellphones to the trophy wife standing on the bank. She did more moaning and eye rolling.

Finally in position upwind, I fired up the burner and stuck the hot end into a clump of dried, overgrown cattails just as a helpful gust of wind swept the pond. Within an instant, a decade’s worth of carbon disguised as cattails exploded into the atmosphere, thus warming the planet and thawing all the poor city-kids frozen from the record breaking winter on the east coast. The heat was blistering, so I sprinted across the water towing my kayak. The flames were spectacular, but short lived, and in less than a minute the show was over. Regardless my fire suppression resources and those of Yellowstone County, when I ignited the upwind side I crossed the point of no return and the cattails were history. This brings me to my point.

Subtle wealth redistribution either from establishment Republicans to the business community or Democrats through social programs to the dependent class are small infringements on our freedom and are analogous to my burning a buffer zone around the cattails. The big fire and point of no return is yet to come, but when you finally realize all the programs you supported are now shackles locked around your ankles, resistance will be futile.

Recent headlines reveal plans for bureaucrats to begin weighing children attending government funded daycare programs. Should your progeny or grand progeny be too fat or skinny to fit the government template of normal you can expect corrective measures varying from nutrition counseling to your child’s placement into government approved fitness foster homes. Struggling then would be senseless because America has passed the point of no return. Did you support Obamacare or Medicaid Expansion, passage of the CSKT Water Compact, or government pre-K education? If you did then you are the problem; you lit the fire which consumed your liberty.

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