Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


Honest to God

Day-traders chase Wall Street’s short term stock swings and because the market is electronic, they can conduct business sitting at home in their pajamas. Cow-traders, on the other hand, have a similar get-in and get-out style, but because theirs is a hands-on business, they wear Carharts and spend half their time at auctions, half their time in the feedlot and half their time hauling critters between the two. (If you add up the halves, you see why cow-traders are always in a hurry.)

Cow-traders operate exclusively on buyer-beware principles and they spiff up their merchandise using well protected trade secrets. Here are a couple not-so-secret examples: Successful traders can take five years off an old range cow by using scissors to round her tail 12 inches shorter than it was when they bought her. Manure smeared artistically and naturally across a tumorous brand scar hides her true age just like dim lights do in a singles’ bars. No doubt, trading cattle is a profession reserved for fearless, free-market capitalists blessed with understanding trophy wives.

Several years back I witnessed a conversation between Gerald and Jim; cow-trading competitors who simultaneously strolled into my clinic one winter afternoon. I was quietly suturing a laceration on a Border Collie, when Gerald and Jim squared off in a cow-trading battle of wits where each attempted to outscore the other in terms of best, worst, ugliest, oldest, youngest or fastest cow-trading story. I would make the analogy the back and forth scoring reminded me of an Olympic beach volleyball game, but when I do, the mental image of Gerald and Jim jumping around the sand wearing Speedos blips in my mind and I lose my train of thought, so I won’t. But I did; that hurts. Anyhow, as their conversational contest neared completion Jim said, “Now, this is the honest to God truth…” before making his point.

Gerald instantly fired back, “You are wrong because of so and so…and that is the ‘honest to God truth.’”

My mouth fell open as if I had just witnessed a commandment of Old Testament magnitude. Apparently, a cow-trader only tells the truth when their statement is joined by the expression, “honest to God.” It matters not, because cow-trading is voluntary; altered truths are all part of the game. It is the state sponsored lie which draws my ire today, because everyone must play, plus we are forced to accept a sanitized version of reality. Here is my point.

I am a ravenous consumer of news and from December 14th to the 17th I witnessed a frightening, purposeful molding of the state approved news template concerning the Sandy Hook shooting. The first reports from Newport claimed the shooter used two semi-automatic pistols to kill the innocents before committing suicide. By afternoon, authorities reported finding a semi-automatic .223 on the back seat of the killer’s, mother’s car in the school parking lot, while later Friday evening, a semi-automatic shotgun was found locked in the car’s trunk. The story incubated for two days.

During the eight o’clock news headlines Monday morning, I heard three separate news outlets lead with stories generally criticizing semi-automatic rifles as being “just like the one used to kill all those young children in Sandy Hook.” By noon on the 17th, a medical examiner reported the school was filled with .223 casings and all the fatal wounds in the children were fired from a long rifle. They expect us to believe all the first reports were wrong, only Monday’s report is the truth, and they obtained ballistic data to establish a cause of death on 26 murders after a mere two day’s work. Somebody is lying.

Early last week 40 percent of my friends remembered pistols as being used in the shooting. Frighteningly, by week’s end, nearly 90 percent recite the state sponsored line the carnage was from a semi-automatic assault rifle. With the debate successfully re-focused on the rifle, the true problem is easier to ignore. Gun-free zones are government mandated target rich environments demonstrating the failure of the progressive utopia, so by simply adjusting the media narrative to assault rifles, this “honest to God truth” can be ignored. I am proposing legislation to fix this gun-free zone failure, but unlike the NRA proposal, mine costs nothing. Visit http://leg.mt.gov to monitor the process.

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