Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


Cow Doctor Myth Busters

The garage thermometer read 22 degrees below zero when the trophy wife and yours truly sprinted into the darkness for our early morning run. With the shortest day of the year a couple weeks away, we will be home eating breakfast before the sun peeks over the horizon. This frigid time of year separates real runners from pretenders who wear spandex in public just to embarrass their children. Contrary to the conventional wisdom about freezing your lungs by running in below zero temperatures, here is an adaptation of an old saying which busts the myth: “Each morning when the cold winter sun rises over the eastern plains of Montana, the coyote knows it must run faster than the slowest rabbit or it will starve. Likewise, when the sun comes up the rabbit knows it must run faster than the fastest coyote or it will be eaten. The moral to the story being it does not matter whether you are a coyote or a rabbit, when the sun comes up you had better be running.” Nowhere in the adage does it mention either the coyote or the bunny freezing their lungs because it does not happen. This falsehood is as widespread as the myth knee arthritis is caused by running. If I were truly immune to public opinion, I would reveal the most common cause of acquired osteoarthritis, but I am not, so I won’t. Now, I’ll jump to my next myth.

It is probably just a coincidence, but this May after finishing Montana’s 63rd Legislative Session, digging a new hole for my outhouse was at the top of my to-do list. Reseating the outhouse is not as romantic as it sounds, so digging a deep hole extends the time before you have to do it again. Business consultants call this long-range planning. My enthusiasm disappeared after four feet of chipping at the hard, dry clay; an oddity for springtime in Montana. Had I waited and dug my outhouse in September, one of the wettest on record, I could have passed through the six foot mark and still been in wet clay so soft you could dig it with a spoon. Unfortunately, you will need a knife or fork to scrape gumbo off your spoon, so there is never an easy time to re-set a Montana outhouse.

Because my two-holer uses no water or electricity, nonsensical climate change alarmists would consider it a green appliance; something I can use without worrying about the size of my carbon foot print. While hammering at the dried gumbo with my post bar I thought how Al Gore would blame these desert conditions on man caused global warming which can only be reversed by taking money from those who have earned it and giving it to those who have not, less a small handling fee for the ruling class. Why do people believe this leftist crap? This wealth redistribution myth, euphemistically called a carbon tax, cannot be busted using logic because followers of this state sponsored religion are immune to scientific fact. Instead, they feel things. Accept their ideology, and the government will use tax policy to make every day “feel” like the perfect day to dig a new hole for your outhouse.

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