Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


A Conservative Look at Santa Claus

Santa Claus has been relinquished to the B-list by the worshipers of big government, so today I come to his rescue. Saint Nicholas mesmerizes the imaginations of young children until their logic centers cast doubt on the legend of the charitable fat guy in a miniature sleigh. Jennifer, a family friend, recently told of a conversation she overheard between Cole, her nine-year-old son, and his buddy discussing the likelihood of Santa Claus. Cole asked, “Do you believe Santa Claus is real?”

Cole’s friend said he did, but quickly followed with the qualifier, “don’t you?”

Cole agreed, but mentioned there was one thing which troubled him. “Santa visits every house on Christmas Eve and everyone leaves cookies and milk. Santa always eats the goodies, so why doesn’t he have diabetes?” Every adult surprised by Cole’s astute observation probably has milk or coffee squirting out their nose about now and this leads me to my point. The Kris Kringle myth is harmless. It is the political myths which are most dangerous because they do not disappear as one ages. One entire political party and 71 percent of another have bet all their chips the American public will never discover they are being conned. More correctly, they did not actually bet their own chips, instead they bet the chips of little Santa-believers not yet born. Oops, I rambled off subject, so now I will explain why Santa does not get diabetes. It is simple math actually.

Santa Claus only visits the homes of good girls and boys, so his cookie consumption is not as high as it first appears. For example, contrary to President Obama’s unconstitutional amnesty decree, illegal immigrants are still illegal by definition, so are automatically on Santa’s naughty list. This removes 48 million chocolate chip cookies and nearly 2.4 billion calories from Santa’s diet. Now, let’s examine the 65, 899,660 Americans who re-elected President Obama in 2012. Half of those, approximately 32 million, do not set cookies by the chimney on Christmas Eve as they are only charitable with other people’s cookies. This knocks 6.4 billion calories from Santa’s snack list. The remaining 32 million, the crazy vegan type who are devout supporters of the First Lady’s war on obesity, only leave celery, carrot sticks and soy milk for the fat little elf, thereby eliminating another 2 billion calories.

Unlike Americans who enjoy the bounty of free-market capitalism, beyond our borders most good girls and boys suffer under various government controlled economic systems. For example, families living under socialism each leave Santa the same single wafer deemed a “cookie” by the ruling government authority. It looks, tastes and has the nutritional value of Styrofoam, but this is better than the communists who can’t afford cookies. Instead, Marxists leave Mr. Claus their universal bartering item of value—toilet paper and this poetically brings me to the bottom line. If it weren’t for the generosity of most Americans, Santa could starve before completing his rounds every Christmas Eve. Cole, coupling the reasons above with a dash of North Pole magic is why Santa does not have diabetes, so it is okay to believe. The scam big government can better control your life than could you, is the myth you should reject. Merry Christmas!

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