Weekly Posting of the Conservative Cow Doctor


  Redneck Etiquette

Rules of etiquette allow newlyweds a full year to send thank-you notes for wedding gifts, but many celebrity marriages rarely last long enough for this grace period to be a factor.  Through redneck extrapolation, I suspect delaying the internment of the remains a loved one for a year would also be fitting and proper, especially when the recently departed was a rancher.  Rules such as “no dying during calving season” would also be beneficial if cowboys controlled the timeliness of their deaths, but it is God’s call.   In light of this, my family buried my uncle’s ashes 13 months after his demise; a one month violation of even redneck etiquette, but it was our first available afternoon.  Here is the story. 

As is fitting and proper, this September we held services for my uncle, in our family barn built by my great-great-grandfather in 1890.  About 30 family members feasted on grilled flank steak and afterwards we exchanged memories of my uncle, Burton Kerns.  Due to the many hours we spent trailing cows around the Big Horns, other than my father, there was no man who had a greater influence on my life than did my uncle.  During one long, grueling mountain session, Burton shared his wisdom regarding three things he felt would destroy our country, so I am passing his prophetic words on to you. 

Number one:  The four wheel drive pickup is devastating the American landscape.  Burton was born in 1927, so drove a wagon and team long before the 4x4 Jeep made its appearance after WWII.  Cheap Willy’s jeeps saturated markets in rural America and soon the vast open parks of the Big Horn Mountains were rutted by 4x4s chained up by baby boomers on a Sunday drive.  Today’s rules regarding off-road travel on federal lands addressed this very issue. 

Number two:  The birth control pill will lead to societal decay.  The sex drugs and rock ‘n’ roll movement of the 1960s was aided by birth control pills removing the risk of conception and one mate—one marriage—one lifetime soon became old school. It wasn’t until the epidemic of Herpes, AIDS and genital warts in the 1980s, did the minutemen of the sexual revolution discover keeping up with the Kardashians had devastating consequences.  Coincidentally, (actually it is not a coincidence, I mentioned this on purpose) recent headlines report Lamar Odom, former NBA star and estranged husband of Khloe Kardashian, has been found comatose in a Nevada brothel after a two-day, $75K binge of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll.  Glitter and tinsel are not attributes of trophy wives and husbands; a truth single folk might keep in mind when selecting a life mate.        

 Number three:  Saving the best for last, the third thing which will destroy our free society is…???  Sadly, I cannot remember Burton’s third point.  I am sure it is just as prophetic, or as inflammatory as the other two, but it has forever slipped my mind and this brings me to my point. 

The matriarch or patriarch of your family could pass at any time taking with them decades of life experiences the likes of which you will never access again.  Do not lose this wisdom.  For you youngsters living in the electronic vortex, imagine the blue screen of death striking your lap top and taking all your life’s data with it.  Today would be a great day to sit down with a grandparent, aunt or uncle and figuratively back up your family hard drive.  It is the fitting and proper thing to do, but write it down so you do not forget it as I did.                     

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